Don’t Tell the Bride – Series 5, Episode 3 – Sarah Jane and Cameron

25 Sep

Welcome back to my weekly recap of Don’t Tell the Bride, where this week our lucky groom has to please not one, but two brides to be…!

The episode will be available for a little while longer on iPlayer, but if you’re busy (or just plain lazy) here’s my take on what happened.

*Disclaimer – this is an entertainment show. The narrator is mean, the editing is mean, and therefore I’m disproportionately mean. If you appeared on this show, please install your sense of humour chip before you read on… or just stop reading now 😉 

From the start, it’s clear we’re onto another winner with the groom. His heart seems to be in the right place as he proudly admits he’s wrapped round Sarah Jane’s little finger. Quite right too.

However, this time, the stars of episode three weren’t the bride and groom – but the two supporting acts – the world’s most encouraging and loving sister *cough*sarcasm*cough*, Katie, and bearded aspiring poet, best man, Jay.

Sister Katie is getting married later in the year – and has clearly lost all grip on reality. Clearly unaware that she’s coming across somewhat bitter and irrational, Katie spends most of the episode breathing fire, crushing buildings – and complaining about her pink gerberas. Within a couple of minutes of the show starting, Katie’s banned Cameron from planning a traditional church wedding and a country house reception… so… most weddings then…

Pausing for a little rant – I’d get this whole “it’s MY wedding – MIIIINE” thing, if Katie was doing anything remotely original. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a church wedding and a country house reception – but it IS what lots of people do… you can’t claim a monopoly on the format. It’s not like she’s marrying a goat up a mountain in a nudist ceremony or something…

Rant over.

Anyway, here comes best man, beardy Jay, while Sarah Jane inexplicably goes to stay with her sister – right that’s three weeks of subtle jibes and bitchy undertones to look forward to then.

Cameron decides on an Indian / Scottish theme. My first thought is that the colours are going to clash horribly. Jay fondles Cameron’s ear for some reason. Cameron asks him not to. Everyone is uncomfortable.

Moving on to choosing the venue, and I switch off my brain for a while as we go through the usual “she wants a church wedding and he’s oblivious process.” Tea, anyone?

Cameron books a very pretty castle. But, of course, he doesn’t think of any practicalities – the ceremony room only holds 50 guests at a push – something that’s obviously going to cause problems later on… Having decided on the ceremony venue, Jay and Cameron stop for some Mr Whippy ice cream in the park. Mulling over the decision, Jay informs Cameron “it’s your balls on the line, not mine!” He seems a little too excited about this.

For the reception, Cameron books a very expensive, but very appropriate (for his theme) Indian tent. Jay says something sensible: “you don’t have to make everyone happy.” I agree.

After deciding on a reception venue, Cameron marches straight to the florist – and buys £800 worth of Katie’s signature pink gerberas. In a messed up, sadistic way, I’m quite pleased.

Meanwhile, the bride to be is going wedding dress shopping. And, again, for some reason that’s beyond my comprehension, she’s brought along the jealous sister – who’s probably singed every dress in the shop with her fire breath! At least, every dress that remotely resembles her own.

Cameron and Jay are doing some dress shopping of their own. Another yawn fest as he goes in totally the wrong direction with a traditional A-line gown – when she’s after a big princess dress. Whoops.

In one of the cringiest scenes in Don’t Tell the Bride history, Cameron has to face up to his venue choice and tell his future mother in law she can only invite about fifteen people to the wedding. She’s not pleased. He’s not pleased that she’s not pleased. He draws a little cartoon of himself looking sad under a cloud. I forgive him. Mum breaks the news to Sarah Jane in front of the sister – is that a smirk I detect Katie? Hint, try to save looking really smug for when the camera’s off you.

After sending the girls paintballing for Sarah’s hen do, Cameron buys her a stripper. But only so he can justify getting his own stripper. I’m unimpressed.

They all go bridesmaids dress shopping. I get bored and sing to myself for a while.

Cut to Jay writing his best man speech. He apparently has a degree in English Literature specialising in “romantic writing”. Right. I already have ridiculously high expectations for this poem given that he’s ruled out the use of simile, metaphor or any other poetic device… because obviously the proles won’t understand it. Oh Jay. At this point, it’s fair to say I’m more than a little creeped out.

In my favourite part of the episode, the boys learn a street dance. I realise suddenly that Jay IS David Brent… I KNEW he looked (and sounded) familiar.

Annnyway Sarah sees her dress. She likes it. Even though it’s the opposite of what she likes. How predictable. But still, it’s nice to see her very happy. Aaaw. Even the sister musters some support. Some… but that’s a start.

The day arrives – Jay spends most of the morning stroking Cameron’s head… don’t pet him too hard there, Lenny! At the bride’s house, the pink gerberas arrive. Katie cries. It’s quite funny.

Sarah arrives at the venue by helicopter. Just be grateful you’re not jumping out of it, Sarah (remember John and Jackie from episode 1?) Anyway, she lands, she’s happy, he’s happy, everyone’s happy. Apart from Katie, who’s weeping into her pink gerberas. Just kidding.

Jay reads his poem. The good news is, he doesn’t have to worry about it being too highbrow. Seriously “My two best mates joined together, with a love so strong that lasts forever.” He then presents them with a macaroni picture and a pencil holder he made. Not really, he was all strung out from his literary efforts.

Long story short, she loves everything (even the marquee… kind of) and even the mother in law is pleased.

Catch the next episode of Don’t Tell the Bride on Tuesday 27th September at 9pm on BBC3

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19 Responses to “Don’t Tell the Bride – Series 5, Episode 3 – Sarah Jane and Cameron”

  1. Sarah-jane September 25, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Hi, so I am the bride from this episode and just thought I’d write to say how funny this is!! Will be printing it and putting it with the rest of the crap everyone has said we need to keep as a memory! But thanks for making me laugh! Xx

  2. Sarah-Jane September 25, 2011 at 10:36 am #

    Hi, I thought i’d just written a comment but it seems to have been delelted…

    Well…I am Sarah, the bride from this episode, and just thought id say how funny this review is!! I absoloutely love it! It will be printed and placed in my massive memory box forever with all te othr stuff we’ve managed to find insulting us on the internet…

    Thank you for making me laugh!!!

    Sarah-jane x

    • sdoron September 25, 2011 at 11:20 am #

      Hi Sarah Jane! No, not deleted at all, just have it set up so I have to approve comments first 🙂

      I thought you two were very lovely together – and all comedy aside, you were a great sport (hence why you didn’t get roasted by me) and took everything in your stride.

      Thanks for reading 🙂 xx

      (and I’m sure your sister is very nice in real life… it’s all pantomime really with this show)

  3. Gina @bridemotivation September 25, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    I didn’t see the episode but this blog (love it!) and the bride’s sense of humour means I’ll def try to catch it on iPlayer! I’m writing a book on post-wedding motivation (i.e. avoiding the post wedding slump which can happen after planning your big day) – so if either of you would be interesting in contributing – pls get in touch. Would be brilliant! Again, fab blog post.

  4. sarah-jane September 25, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    Would be happy to contribute to your book!! Yeah my sister is nice in real life, but a very stressful 3 weeks of living with me drove her insane! I’ve gone a bit crazy searching the web for reviews of us, and have found a lot of things that I wish I hadn’t, so was really glad to come across this, its brilliant!! Will be reading all the others too! Xx

    • Gina @bridemotivation September 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      I’m glad I came across this post too… it’s always fab to find a blog writer with a fun style – and of course fab to hear about you and have the potential to discuss the book further. Please find me on postweddingmotivation@gmail.com / http://www.royalweddingcountdown.wordpress.com so we can work out how best to chat further.

      • sdoron September 25, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

        Hi Gina,

        Thanks so much for commenting, I’m not sure how much help I’ll be with that particular topic as I’m still engaged, but perhaps after August when I’m in a depressed heap because the wedding is over (just kidding John, if you’re reading this, I will, of course, be delighted to be your wife) I might be more helpful 🙂 xx

    • sdoron September 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      Lol well you’re a very good sport! Congratulations on your wedding and tell your groom well done on pulling it off! 🙂 xx

  5. my honest answer September 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    “don’t pet him too hard there, Lenny!” actually made me laugh out loud. Honestly. Not LOL, but actually stop what I was doing, look away from the laptop, and laugh out loud for a good 30 seconds. Hilarious review. I really want to watch the episode just so I can see the sister cry! (and Sarah Jane, respect. You are a good sport).

    • sdoron September 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

      Lol it’s definitely worth watching, if nothing else than for the pink gerberas… And I know know what a pink gerbera is. So we learn something new every day 🙂 xxx

  6. Devon Vintage China (@DevonVintage) September 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

    I thought Cameron was incredibly romantic – he was so lovely and it was a weepy moment when Sarah-Jane was thrilled with the helicopter ride and again when she saw the reception decor. The Scottish/Indian theme rocked! Have a wonderful life together you two. XX

    • sdoron September 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

      Do you get weepy too? I got a bit teary when they saw each other for the first time in 3 weeks… they both looked so blissed out!! xx

      • Devon Vintage China (@DevonVintage) September 25, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

        I’m not normally weepy but this one did make me teary-eyed because they were such a sweet couple and obviously so devoted to each other. I was really touched by Cameron’s concern that Sarah-Jane would like what he’d done and how awful he’d feel if she didn’t. I think he’s going to make a wonderful, caring husband and she’s so appreciative of his concern for her that together, they are going to be a great partnership. That’s what makes me weepy – real devotion and mutual love.

  7. justme September 26, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    does anyone know what the song was called that they danced to ?

  8. sarah-jane September 26, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    Thank you, I am a good sport.. You have to be to put up with my sister! Haha, only joking, she’s lovely really!!! Our first dance is ‘From the Heart’ by Another Level, its from notting hill- amazing song, perfect first dance! I definitely get teary when I watch it, as soon as I hear Robbie williams start I’m gone.. I didn’t cry on the day, I was just too excited to see Cameron! He did do well, but is extremely aware of this, and now has an even bigger head than before.. Bless him! Xxxx

    • Danielle September 26, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

      What was the name of the place they got married? It was lovely?

  9. sarah-jane September 26, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    We got married in Haldon Belvedere castle in Exeter, it is Stunning, amazing views and photos from the roof top! Xxx

    • danielle September 27, 2011 at 9:38 am #

      And is that far from where you live because where you ived looked lovely,like a sweet village! And congratulations to you both!

  10. sarah-jane September 27, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    It’s about an hour from the village my parents live in (where the church was, which is really lovely), but I was actually glad about this, gave me a longer ride in the helicopter!!! Xxx

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